Medical transphobia nearly kills activist
[I can’t help but become completely enraged as I read this. The treatment this person received is utterly despicable… and an educated, professional activist of this sort is vastly better able to combat it, than an average person - who likely would have simply died. -Thomas]
From FTMI Newsletter, issue 52: fall 2002
The High Price of Manhood
By Marcus de Maria Arana
On December 26 and 27, 2001, I underwent two surgeries on my left thigh, due to an abscess caused by a testosterone injection: one surgery to drain the abscess and another to remove diseased and dead tissue and bone. It was hard to hear that, after 7 years of being my own needle-jockey, I had infected myself. In all, I spent two weeks in the hospital and six weeks staying with my father while I completed an
IV course of antibiotics, and was out of work or worked less than 15 hours-per- week for seven months. I nearly died, I nearly lost my leg, I needed to have nearly 25% of my femur (thighbone) cut away, and I spent four months changing my own wound dressings twice daily until the cavernous crater (9″ long, 5″ wide, and 15, deep) healed close on its own. Now, I have an angry red crevice to remind me of the personal price I have paid for my masculinity.
It’s not as if I hadn’t tried to get medical help before I went into septic shock (that’s blood poisoning to us lay people) and returned to the ER at UCSF in San Francisco after Xmas. Ten days earlier, I spent nine hours having various ER staff who examined my back for sciatic pain and eventually sent me home without intervention. The ER staff consulted my orthopedic surgeon (who hadn’t examined me and had only conversed with other doctors via telephone) and performed an MRI, although I had that procedure one week before. I kept asking them to look at my leg, which was swollen, reddish, squishy feeling, feverish, and had unrelenting pain running down the back of my leg. I had spent weeks at home, sick with a fever and unable to sleep, tossing and turning in bed in between standing in cold showers trying to break the
cycle of pain and fever. The staff refused and continued to focus on my back.
From the start, the staff lost all pretense of caring about me after learning I was FTM and my injury may have been testosterone-related. Despite my 101-degree fever, I sensed the prevailing attitude was that I brought the injury on myself by messing around with steroids. Without examining me or asking a question, the surgeon told them to send me home with “inoperable sciatica” regardless of my fever and
unexamined leg. The ER staff released me. I wept uncontrollably as I struggled with my shoes.
The nurse asked me why I was crying, and I explained about the pain and the lack of sleep. Her response was “At least you got two shots of morphine.” I was horrified - I wasn’t there for the drugs. I was there because I was afraid I was dying and I needed immediate help. And the truth is that I was slowly dying because of two types of nasty bacteria that had infected my thigh muscle, the infection slowly working its way into my femur.
The reality was that I had cleaned a small area on my thigh with alcohol and then missed that target when I started to inject. I should have immediately withdrawn the needle and started over. I had also forgotten to wash my hands before filling the syringe, and I am aware of my mistakes. Any other man on this hormone could have made the same mistakes and had an identical injury. The difference is that a man who is not FTM would not have met with the same prejudice and transphobia,
and his health insurance would have covered the high cost of the complication.
In fact, most insurance companies specifically exclude any treatments associated with transgender or transsexual care, which has often been interpreted to exclude complications as well, regardless that they may be life threatening. I was lucky that I am a San Francisco City employee, and SF is the only municipality that offers TG health coverage to its employees. I was very fortunate because the hospital
bills alone exceeded $60,000.
As the weeks passed after that ill-fated injection, I got increasingly sicker and even canceled a trip to NYC after puking into the trashcan at the SF airport. I finally recognized I was in a losing battle with my mystery illness. The day after Xmas, the ER staff did take me seriously when I returned with a 104.5-degree fever. This time they did examine my leg and, after an ultrasound revealed a 500cc abscess, they
rushed me into surgery. There are far too many tales of transphobia to render here. Suffice it to say that my injury somehow became regarded as that “transsexual abscess in 907B”. I was no longer viewed simply as an unfortunate person with an infection, but rather the disease was in being transgender. Somehow, I had brought this down upon myself by injecting testosterone as a transsexual. I got the vibe from some providers that I had gotten what I deserved for messing with nature.
I do have tales of kindness about my father, stepsister, friends, and colleagues sharing their time, resources, and love by helping me on a grueling climb to survive the injury and rebuild my shattered life. There have been kind strangers helping me with my wheelchair and walker. And, I have developed a great love of life and gratitude for what I have. Certainly, I learned that transition must be taken very
seriously, recognizing the risks of hormonal injections. And, I am one of the lucky ones to survive medical transphobia, unlike Robert Eads or Tyra Hunter. Mostly, I have learned to be present, taking each day as though I may never see another. Being that close to death has inspired me to enjoy life and all that it brings, good and bad. After all, how can I complain knowing that each day is a precious gift that nearly
became a casualty of my masculinity?
—————-
Marcus de Maria Arana is a Discrimination Investigator for the San Francisco Human Rights Commission specifically addressing complaints based upon gender identity. Since coming out as FTM in 1994, Marcus has been the site manager for the 1995 FTM in the Americas conference, Editor of the FTM Newsletter from 1995 to 1997, Faculty member at Creating Change Conference’s Gender Splendor Institute 2001, and educator on transgender awareness and legal rights.
